A musing Marissa
the last 7 times i dropped my cover

date:6.03pm, 30th Oct 2011
subject:The experimental nature of day-to-day life
mood: content

I wonder what happens when I post when I don't have anything in particular I feel like writing about?

Probably something like this.

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date:10.27am, 17th Apr 2011
subject:Imperfect cadences

I have a cousin who says nothing, apart from choice one-liners every now and then. It's as if he's constantly brewing, and serves up little espressos when they're ready. He's really funny and grand company.

I'm not that kind of animal. I have a tendency to talk too much. But I also find myself longing to hold my cards to my chest, to people watch from a corner booth

Silence may well be golden, but what's so great about gold? It depends how it is employed, really. You can stay quiet, keeping your feet well away from your mouth; you may escape with your reputation preserved, but is this better than allowing yourself to be wrong, to be horribly naked, to induce vomiting?

I sometimes hush myself, when I think I'd prefer to listen, or prefer to meditate. But holding back thoughts because I worry I may sound stupid? I fight against this. I'd rather spew broken poems than die with the perfect haiku stuck in my throat

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date:2.56am, 21st Jan 2011
subject:KUL vs SIN
mood: awake

Though I have spent a lot of time in transit through Asia, I haven't been to Kuala Lumpur for a very long time. Maybe the last time when I was five years old. There are two international airports here, KLIA (Kuala Lumpur International Airport) and LCCT (Low Cost Carrier Terminal). We flew into KLIA on Malaysian Airlines; in a few hours we fly out of LCCT on Air Asia X (that super-budget airline that recently started flying out of Christchurch). We're just now waiting to grab a bus to get across to the next terminal.

I've really liked this experience so far, and in a way prefer it to transit through Singapore. Changi Airport in Singapore is ritzy, sprawling, has a cactus garden, children's playground (my favourite places to visit) and so many zones of things going on whether it be jazz music, or sports TV lounges (with different sports playing on different screens spotted amongst the armchairs). There are usually spectacular spectacles happening (for example, I played a game show there once), and this amps up around festival occasions. I imagine there would be some intense celebratory bonanza for Chinese New Year coming up, at Changi Airport. But looking around this airport, you wouldn't even know it was a couple of weeks away.

KLIA is more sparse, a bit more like Colombo's international airport (so perhaps I enjoy the familiarity) but it's less... dysfunctional. It has all you basically need in terms of 24-hour services: bathrooms, comfortable enough seats (including sets all in a row without armrests, crucial for sleeping in airports, of which I am a huge fan of if the need arises, instead of paying for a hotel!), a convenience store with convenient things at convenient prices, ditto cafe (Asian-style, with sweet, milky coffee in tiny cups served out of a Nescafé machine), and free Wi-Fi. People don't bother you, the place is clean, and although the announcements are sometimes a bit loud and wake you up, I guess that's the point. And I would choose that over missing my connection.

Malaysian Airlines too was pleasantly low-key. It wasn't a no frills airline in the sense of having user-pays services (they served a satisfying amount of food and drinks through the 10 hour flight, and you didn't have to pay extra for things like movies or a pillow) but it was no frills in the sense of... No Frills. No stupid over-the-top packaging of things, or branding, or high-tec useless features... The plane itself was fairly old (and therefore old-fashioned), a Boeing 777-200, and I liked it! I liked that it didn't short-change me, the people were friendly, the flight safety video was hilariously dull and poorly acted, yes. I'd rather pay less for this kind of less.

Right, time to see what LCCT is like.

I've seen so much of our world through airports and airplanes. KLIA has large, grey, rectangular toilet seats.

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date:12.41pm, 17th Jan 2011
subject:Why I need you
mood: humble

I've been thinking how there's only so far an individual, however brilliant, can go. The age of the lone polyglot (though they were never truly alone; few if any were self-sustaining hermits) is all but over. I think now is the age of brilliant communities. Egos accommodating egos, letting ourselves die a little for the common good.

And even if this isn't a "dawning of a new era" at all, I am still drawn towards all the "comm"s: communication, community, commune etc

I love conversation when I am deftly reined in by someone else, when we capture each other, when we're warp & weft, making nets around the pulsing entrails of our thoughts. So often we are on our own threads, blind spiders. We are eloquent with careless hooks, loose cannonballs, lassos and mixed metaphors while our starlight is no more than the desperate tail of a meteor falling solo.

Too often we wake up in the morning alone and not recollecting, with unidentifiable bruises and craters and despondency.

Let's not only hold each other afterwards, let's hold each other during. Even hooking pinkie fingers together is sometimes enough.

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date:12.00pm, 16th Jan 2011
subject:Show me on the doll where I shouldn't touch you
mood: touched

I'm quite a physically affectionate person and for me, touch is just another language we use to communicate and, well... I dunno, all kinds of appropriate touching (including sex) is just another way to express friendship for me, I don't really have much distinction

Like, you know how people say "more than friends"? As if "more than friends" is a different type of RELATIONSHIP rather than a different type of FRIENDSHIP? That doesn't make sense to me, and I've only ever understood "more than friends" as "friends and more"... sometimes a whole lot more, like Denver (the last dinosaur? anyway. I get the reference)

This way of communicating mostly works, as long as I can trust that the other person knows basically where I'm coming from (i.e. more or less what's in this post.) They need to understand at least enough that they can give me appropriate feedback. Cos I'm usually guided by what is comfortable for both people, i.e. what's comfortable for me and comfortable for the other person (as far as I am aware)

I try to relax when I'm hanging out with people, and not overthink things, and not read between the lines (that way lies paranoia) but then I rely on the other person letting me know if I'm making them uncomfortable or anything. You know, so there's no bad touching

When you're dealing with someone and there's no significant power imbalance, you'd expect that consent is easy. "No means no", right? I have my doubts. There are so many situations where either (a) you don't know if you want to consent or not or (b) you kinda don't want to consent but it's easier | lazier | more intuitive to go along with what's happening or (c) you actively want to say 'no' but it's just too socially awkward

When I think of the complex issues around consent I get really spun out and I feel worried that I'm imposing my cultural experience (of love, friendship, and good touching etc) on other people who may be coming from a different experience altogether (e.g. friends DON'T touch | sex is for ("soul mates" | "the one" | "boyfriend and girlfriend" | etc) only) and who don't feel able to say 'no' to me

Or they are saying no, in their own language, but I'm not picking up on this

I'm aware that I'm way more tactile than some people are used to, and I imagine more than other people are comfortable with. And I really appreciate people letting me know (shoving me away works well, kinda like a cat or dog!) if I'm crossing personal space or whatever. I really would prefer this and unless it's done out of spite, I don't get hurt or offended

[I wonder what would happen if I put this in a pamphlet and gave it to people I know. Kinda like "Important information: READ BEFORE FIRST USE"]

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date:10.09am, 12th Sep 2010
subject:Mumble jumble

Do you think we have an obligation to figure out what it is we're trying to say before we say it?

Yeah, it's contextual. What about the context of online blogging/commenting? Do we have space, are we given space, to kinda stumble over our words, to not say what we intended to say, to not really know what we mean, to - I mean - even be wrong and take it all back?

I generally try to do the whole "think before you speak" racket. But really? Good thinking sometimes happens as a communal event with one or more other people. You start talking and you find words emerging from your mouth in unexpected ways - sometimes revealing, sometimes ridiculous. You throw these words at other people and in some mystical feedback loop, conversation happens, and your ideas are clarified like brain butter.

Conversation grows thoughts, and I love it. But sometimes, e.g. when commenting on other people's blogs, I feel like it's inappropriate to write something poorly-thought-out. I need to Have A Point: both know what it is, and express it clearly. It's as if because I'm writing words down I have an obligation to be more essay-like or authoritative.

What happens if I don't have a point, I just want to talk? Or there's something I want to say, just I can't put my finger on it?

I trust it's okay to fumble a tentative-draft-point-of-view post in these cases. It's the only way I can begin to express myself sometimes.

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date:4.20am, 9th Sep 2010
subject:When the earth shakes, we all become Quakers

Pretty much everyone I know in Christchurch has been connecting with people because of the earthquake & aftershocks. Family and friends around NZ and overseas, sometimes with strangers, or barely acquaintances with whom in other cases it would be strange to converse.

I thought of people I'd met on LiveJournal, as well as other 'meeting places' I've frequented in my love, and I was grateful for all of them. I'm in a bit of an ebullient "Thank the world" mood :)

For those who are interested / concerned, all is well for me personally and those I know of. Some people have lost a lot, some things insurance won't cover. As for me, I'm grateful I came through so unscathed.

Hope all in LJ-land are well. A little something I wrote today: thingCollapse )

(* edit: I upon re-reading I realised I'd written the typo "in my love" instead of "in my life", but I let it stand. Seems more fitting that way, somehow.)

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